This Time, The Humans Are Smarter And The Movie Is Dumber

By John Petkovic

From The Plain Dealer, 07.27.2001

When he was asked to star in a sequel to the original "Planet of the Apes," way back in 1968, Charlton Heston just said no.

"The only story you could tell had been told; anything further would be just adventures among the monkeys," he wrote.

Heston has seen the future - again.

Tim Burton's "reimagining" of Pierre Boulle's 1963 novel is visually stunning and fun to watch. But it's more a game of monkeyshines than a simian saga.

Set about 50 years in the future, "Planet of the Apes" follows astronaut Leo Davidson (Mark Wahlberg) through a wormhole in space. After traveling forward in time hundreds of years, he crashes on a planet that's vintage Burton. It's truly alien, full of fairy-tale mystery and lush, dark landscapes.

And yup, the apes rule.

This is hardly the topsy-turvy world of the 1968 original, though. The humans are more like second-class citizens in Apartheid-era South Africa than mute savages. They are even capable of morality, basic skills and speech.

Too bad they weren't writing the script.

Throughout, the dialogue wallows in kinder, gentler platitudes about getting along. (At one point, the infamous Rodney King line is even invoked.)

Led by Karubi (Kris Kristofferson), a pack of humans whimper on about freedom, but are too lame to fight for it. Instead, they cower around Wahlberg as if he were Moses, sent to deliver them to the Promised Land.

Other than the slave-trader Limbo (Paul Giamatti), who offers some much-needed comedic relief, the apes babble on as badly as the humans.

Wahlberg's simian (but almost human-looking) ally, Ari (Helena Bonham Carter), is a human rights activist who fights against injustice with the same feel-good platitudes you'd hear on the "Rosie O'Donnell Show."

Her jilted lover, General Thade (Tim Roth), not only hates humans, he wants to kill 'em all. He bullies the Senate to declare martial law so he can wage one last battle against the humans.

When Ari falls for Wahlberg (in what might be the most touching interspecies affection scenes on the silver screen) Thade goes even more bonkers, bouncing from wall to wall like a chimp on PCP. After about 100 sneers and grunts, though, he comes off like a simian Dr. Strangelove - it's that bananas.

After a short bout of reluctant hero syndrome, Wahlberg is all too happy to take on the crazy Thade, setting the stage for battle that rivals "Gladiator" in its choreography.

Wahlberg, however, is no match for the Heston.

No matter how much of a mistake it might be to compare this "Apes" to the original - the films are products of their times and are very different for that reason - it's impossible not to.

The reason is Heston's character, Taylor. The loin-clothed, rifle-toting anti-hero of the first film is bitter, cynical and suspicious of everyone. He's truly a stranger in a strange land: at war with apes, an alien to the grunting humans, at war with the past and future.

Just as Heston was perfect in overplaying the role, the original film's script writer, Rod Serling, was perfect in creating it.

At every turn, Serling used the tricks he had developed with the TV series, "Twilight Zone," to invert all logic and make Taylor seem like a towering, but ultimately powerless, outsider.

A few self-conscious tricks aside - some references to the original and a surprise ending - the opposite is true with the remake.

Wahlberg is nowhere as alienated, let alone as combustible, as Heston (who makes a cameo long enough to reprise, you know, that line, "Damn them all to hell!").

When Wahlberg lands on the monkey planet, there's a moment of confusion, where he blandly asks, "Where am I?" ("What, you mean you haven't seen the original movie? You're on the Planet of the Apes," I said to myself.)

Within minutes, though, Wahlberg is comfortable hanging out with the humans.

Blame the primary scriptwriter, William Broyles Jr. He not only chose to create the antithesis of Heston's character, he chose to "reimagine" humans capable of speech.

The result isn't a story about an alien in a strange new world. Rather, it's a travelogue about a tourist who visits a place where business is conducted in another currency.

And while the trip may look as scenic as a picture postcard, it isn't some place you're going to want to keep on going back to.